by Kunzang Dechen Chodron
Lama Dawa Rinpoche was an extraordinary yogi and ngakpa, and heart disciple of Dudjom Rinpoche and Kunzang Dorje Rinpoche. After spending nearly 20 years teaching and establishing centers in the US, Mexico, Nepal and India, Lama Dawa passed away on Nov. 24 (Nepal time; Nov. 23 USA time), 2017, after a long illness. On the anniversary of his parinirvana, I am inspired to share these words taken from my personal dairy of his last days. For me, the way in which he died was the ultimate teaching. May these words be of benefit.
Nov. 13, 2017 Dakini day
Lama Dawa is dying. He drifts between the dimensions of relative and absolute truth. When he is awake he is very, very alert and aware of all that is going on around him. He knows how many IV bags have gone, when it is time for his medication, and reminds us of what needs to be done. Even when he appears to doze off and is snoring, he will suddenly wake up and interject in our conversations, making a comment or correction to something we’ve said. He still receives visitors, spends time talking with each person who comes to visit and continues to give instructions on practice, even though it is clear that it exhausts him.
When he is sleeping (or appearing to sleep) he often vocalizes and his hands make animated gestures in the air as if he is talking. He explains that he is having many dreams of performing tsog with Kalsang and I and many other dakinis are there. “I am doing tsog,” he says, “and that is why my hands are moving.”
I am keeping vigil as Lama Dawa rests in bed. He seems to be sleeping as his mouth slowly opens, his breathing deepens and his hands start to move as though he is gesturing.
Suddenly he opens his eyes, sees me sitting next to him, and tells me that he has just visited the bardo. He describes how he was trying to drink a cup of tea, but he could not figure out the distance between his hand holding the tea cup and his mouth. As he brought the cup to his mouth, his hand and the cup simply passed right through his head. Then he thought to himself that if this is the case, he should be able to change the cup into anything. He then willed that the cup become dry, and it turned into ashes which disintegrated in his hand. Realizing that none of this was ‘real,’ he put one foot through a wall. Then he walked on a thin string, like a mouse. Seeing a white shirt with a red collar, he replicated many of the same shirts, but smaller and smaller in size. He was able to put on all the shirts, even the very smallest one, without changing the size of his body.
“The bardo is like that,” he says. “But if you don’t recognize it, then you don’t know what to do and how to control. If you recognize that this is just your mind’s emanation, then you can play and enjoy like that.”
Nov. 14
Lama Dawa has given Kalsang and I clear instructions on what to do and what not to do when he takes his last breath, and how to handle his body. He does not want us to keep his body for more than three days. Today we received HH Shenp’hen Dawa Norbu Rinpoche’s letter and advice, “It is best that you follow the instructions that he has given because these instructions are correct according to the path of a yogi passing into nirvana…”
“Don’t worry and don’t be sad. Be happy.” Lama Dawa says to me. I remember his doha’s from this past spring, “Sickness is the dawn of death. Death is the dawn of the Dharmakaya. That is coming near and I am very happy.” He truly is. I feel the spaceousness of his presence, expanding and enveloping me. The room becomes luminous.
I wonder if the morphine will make his mind dull for meditation, but he explains how rigpa is not affected by these drugs. His ‘sem’ mind, or ordinary conceptual mind, will appear to be drugged up, but he assures me that his meditation is clear as he abides in rigpa.
This morning Khenpo Sonam Tsering came to visit and Lama Dawa was very present and enjoying the conversation. But as the day went on, he became much less responsive and moved as in slow motion. His voice became weak and I found him staring out into space more often. Sometimes he would look at me and I became overwhelmed with sadness. I thought I saw sadness in his eyes too.
I had a quiet moment with him. I held his hands and the tears came unbidden. “You are leaving soon, aren’t you,” I say quietly, my tears dripping on his hand. He squeezes my hand. “Not leaving. Coming.” He whispers.
Nov. 15
Today Lama Sonam Tashi came to visit with two other Lamas to make arrangements to have the Dudjom Yangsi come to our house to bless Lama Dawa. A few days before, Kalsang and I had an audience with the Dudjom Yangsi to ask his advice. In our offering envelope I had placed a copy of Lama Dawa’s long life prayer, written by Thinlay Norbu Rinpoche. Seeing this, the Dudjom Yangsi had told Lama Sonam that he remembered him and felt he must go and visit him. Lama Sonam asked Lama Dawa if there is any special requests that he had for the Dudjom Yangsi, and he mentions some aspiration prayer because, “most people want to make their life longer. But I want to die quick.” Kalsang and I prepare all the katags and envelopes, and Dolma starts to make the dresil.
Thursday, Nov. 16 Visit from the Dudjom Yangsi
The house gets rearranged for the Yangsi’s visit. We create a ‘throne’ in the living room, and buy special kapsey and prepare fruit bowls. Kalsang buys a special tea cup. The bedroom where Lama Dawa is gets cleared out of all the medical supplies and other items. They decide which chair he will sit on and buy a new brocade cloth to cover it. Special food is prepared. Ani la, and our downstairs neighbors have all been notified about the Yangsi’s arrival and everyone dresses in their finest. A line up of people will greet him as he enters the property, holding bowls of rice, katags, and incense. I sit with Lama Dawa in the room, while everyone else is busy focusing on the Yangsi’s arrival. Lama Dawa is very ill and spikes a fever of 103.3. Rachana the nurse is not here. She was sent to the Yangsi’s residence to give directions to our house throught he winding roads of the city. The house is empty – everyone is outside waiting for his arrival. Lama Dawa is shaking with fever and he tells me to get a white katag in case he dies when the Yangsi is here, then he can place the white katag over his head.
When the Yangsi arrives, Lama Dawa is determined to greet him with a katag sitting up, even though he can barely hold himself up. Then the Yangsi sits at his bedside and gives transmission for several key texts on dying and the dissolution process, and ends with blessing Lama Dawa with a special gau. Sangye Rinpoche and the other Lamas marvel at the visit and remark that it all happened due to Lama Dawa’s pure samaya with his teacher.
Nov. 18
Lama reaches for my hand. I jump up, thinking that he has to vomit again. But he shakes his head and takes my hand. “Just hold my hand.” He says. There is no one else in the room. Everyone else is talking in the living room, and for a rare moment, we are alone. After some quiet moments he says, “At the final dissolution, mind is going into the Dharmakaya. At that time I feel we are not going to be separate. We will be even more together.” He looks at me and I see tears in his eyes. “Many people will think that I am going away, but I am not. At that time, during the final dissolution of mind into space, then the two benefits are accomplished. The benefits for self and other. Self is going into the Dharmakaya, then only there is benefit for the other.”
“Then there is no space between us” I say. He nods, “Yes, no separation.” I feel the fullness of the moment. “Your final teaching” I say quietly. Then Kalsang comes in the room and the moment dissolves.
Sun. Nov. 19th
Lama Dawa is struggling to breathe. His lungs crackle with fluid. Every breath is an effort, and it makes it difficult for him to talk. During a quiet moment alone, Lama Dawa tells me between breaths that for a moment his mind went into the Dharmakaya and he saw some mandala very clearly. He went to the center of the mandala and “you were backside me,” he said. “I saw the mandala very clearly. We were holding hands and together we went into the center of the mandala and dissolved.”
Mon. Nov. 20th
Last night we got oxygen tanks for him as his blood O2 went down to 50%. His fingertips were blue and his face had an ashen look. His eyes were puffy. Once he was hooked up to the O2 we watched the blood oximeter go up to 85%. His complexion immediately changed and his eye had that luster again. I did night vigil last night so Kalsang and Drolma could get some sleep.
Today as I sat next to his bedside holding his hands, he said to me, his voice muffled as he spoke through the oxygen mask, “sometime today or tomorrow, when my mind goes into the dharmakaya, you should sit in your room and see how you feel.” I told him that I had been thinking alot about what he told me yesterday, and I had very interesting dreams last night of mandalas. He nodded. “Really we are on that stage,” he said. “No need to touch, no need to see – just feel how it is. Two in one.” I nod silently, my heart aching, unable to stop the tears from falling.
Part of me has been ready for this for a long time. But another part has not even begun to process the reality of what I am witnessing – of his physical suffering; the pain, the vomiting and constant retching, the shortness of breath, the fevers, the nurse unable to find veins for the IVs, inability to eat anything; as his body shuts down, reduced to a skeleton – it is all so hard to watch. I don’t want to die like this – this slow, agonizing suffering. Even though he wears the suffering, I know he really just wants it to be over. “I have to suffer more,” he sighs as he looks out the window with resignation, gasping as his lungs fill up with fluid and we scramble to get the oxygen delivered to our house. You can see the effort he makes to stay concentrated despite the pain.
In the afternoon, while the family is in the living room enjoying their afternoon tea, I sit alone with Lama and start to read the Tse Do Tse Sung Sutra at his bedside. Partway through the recitation, he motions me to stop. “Now put your mind in the concentration.” I put my iPad down and sit quietly next to him. He is lying on his back, breathing hard through the oxygen mask. His eyes close and he appears to sleep. As I relax in my chair and let my mind be quiet, I start to feel a sense of elevated awareness, a feeling of openness accompanied by bubbly sensations in my body, particularly in my heart area. Everything becomes more vivid – the sounds of the traffic outside, beeping horns, the people, the constant sounds of humanity all around us, the sunlight streaming in through the window, the sound of his exhalations. All becomes vivid, yet nothing in particular grabs my attention. Like a watercolor painting where everything is distinct yet merges as one taste. I feel very at peace, like there is nothing else at all to do. I don’t feel any impulse to even move. I am completely content with things as they are. My breath slows and becomes almost imperceptible. I watch his body, his labored breathing, his moaning, mouth gaping open – it ‘appears’ that he is dying, yet his awareness is all encompasing and alive. The room is thick with this charged space, his field of awareness. His sister comes in the room, and even she doesn’t talk – just sits there quietly. I wonder if she feels it too. We watch him together in silence.
I feel so grateful for this connection – and most of all, this final teaching, this final transmission, reminding me of that essential nature and to come back to this. Later he asks me what I had noticed. I explained my experience of feeling more expansive, and some physical sensations. “Good. It means we have a good connection.” “What were you doing?” I asked, “when you lie there you look like you are sleeping.” He explained that he was walking with me out on some plain, (his fingers walking across his forearm), he took me by the hand and then we went to the edge, there was some hesitation, but then we leaped out into space. “This is the trekchod,” he explained.
On the one level he is lying there sick, and there is the appearance of him dying, but then on another level, another dimension of being is going on that transcends all of this suffering.
Thursday Nov. 23
Lama is noticably worse this morning, struggling to breathe. The last of the students come by to say a tearful farewell. He is weak, and having difficulty to talk. As the morning progresses, we watch helplessly as his blood O2 sinks down to 58. Rachana races to the nearest medical supply store to get a re-breathing mask, to try and get every bit of oxygen to him. The O2 tanks are cranked to the highest number. But we cannot get his O2 any higher. By 11:00 am it is clear he is going to die soon as he slips from consciousness. He becomes unresponsive. We all gather round his bedside and watch helplessly as he slowly become hypoxic and drowns in his own fluid-filled lungs.
Sangye Rinpoche arrives at noon and begins to recite the bardo instruction texts at his bedside. Lama is unresponsive and doesn’t seem to notice. His eyes are rolled up into his head and his body is flaccid. But as Sangye Rinpoche begins to chant the Calling Lama From Afar, Lama Dawa’s hands begin to shake and they slowly raise up to a prayer. “Look, look!” Kalsang says in astonishment, “he can hear it.” His hands raise up with each repitition of the prayer.
I remember a passage from his teachings on Guru Yoga, where he states, “Devotion comes from the mind. You will forget about your hands, but they will naturally come together and join. When your mind is without devotion, then you have to think about bringing your hands together. But if you have real devotion arising from the mind, then the body and speech will follow, and the hands will spontaneously join.”
Sangye Rinpoche chants through a number of texts, then he turns on a recording of Thinley Norby Rinpoche chanting the Choying Dzod. Lama seems to be unconscious, but again he lifts his arms, shaking, and tries to fold his hands in prayer. His breathing becomes more and more shallow. From time to time he adjusts his legs then makes some sounds. We lay him down flat and position his head straight.
His brother, Lama Pema Dorje, calls from Taiwan, and Kalsang holds the phone up to Lama Dawa’s ear. Lama Pema Dorje recites a bardo text and I can hear his voice break a few times. We all quietly weep. Their sister, Pema Khandro, leaves the room, crying.
Amchi Urgyen arrives around 9:00 pm and checks his pulse in his wrists and also his feet. He is careful not to touch his feet, and instead he uses the light from his cellphone to check the pulses in his feet. “He’s gone,” he says he is in deep meditation now and we should not touch him. He adds that because he was born in the rabbit year, his breathing will probably stop between 2-3:00 am.
Fri. Nov. 24
At 2:00 am Lama Dawa’s breathing quietly ceases. His skin tone is natural, but he is unnaturally still, his mouth open with the oxygen mask still on. Sangye Rinpoche takes a rolled up paper funnel, and sticking the small end in Lama Dawa’s ear, recites the same prayers. Then the oxygen is turned off and mask removed. I feel releived for him as now his suffering is over. Sangye Rinpoche closes Lama Dawa’s mouth by tying a katag around his jaw and over his head. Then a white katag is draped lengthwise down his face and body.
Later that morning, Pema Khandro and I go to the stupa to offer 1,000 butterlamps. When we return, we find that everything has been removed out of the bedroom, including the mattress. They positioned Lama’s body so it was sitting cross legged and leaning against the wall. His head remained upright, with a katag covering his face. Then we all went one-by-one to offer a katag to his seated body. Sangye Rinpoche lifted the katag from his face so we could see that he was in t’hugdam, deep meditation. His face looked so beautiful, relaxed and peaceful and his mouth was curved into a slight smile. He did not look dead. The room was luminous and peaceful. “He is happy now,” I said to Kalsang. We took some photos of him.
Over breakfast Sangye Rinpoche and Amchi Urgyan called another Lama in Pharping – one of Chatral Sangye Dorje’s Lamas, who apparently was an expert in handling bodies in t’hugdam. Sangye Rinpoche remarked how pliable Lama’s limbs were – easy to bend into position. Amchi Urgyan said his heart area was still warm and when you pulled up the skin on his arm it bounced back, like he was alive. There was no doubt he was in t’hugdam. The question was how long he will remain.
After lunch I sit in the room with him and replay MP3 files of Thinley Dorbu Rinpoche reciting the Choyin Dzod. There is a musky smell like incense and the atmosphere is thick. I recollected what Lama Dawa had told me before about connecting with his mind in the Dharmakaya, and I sit quietly with him for several hours.
Sat. Nov. 25
Sangye Rinpoche and Amchi Urgyan arrive and check his body. I watch. I see that they pinned an amulet to his chest. They pull the skin on his neck and also his forearm. It is still pliable. His fingers are still flexible. The color of his face is a little darker and sunken in, but it is not the greenish-grey ashen face of a dead person. They decide that he is still in thugdam, but because tomorrow and the next day are unfavorable astrologically, they are going to prepare his body this afternoon. I see that Kalsang is not really happy about it, as he is actually still in T’hugdam. They will paint his face and body with an herbal mixture and saffron, then pack it into a box full of herbs. I notice the bags of what looks like sang powder. Meanwhile they discuss the arrangments for the cremation – how to set up the pyre – what his body will be resting on, the silk decorations, canopies, etc. They will be performing Throma chod at the charnel ground.
I watch Amchi Urgyan and Sangye Rinpoche work out all the astrological calculations for the cremation. There are many discussions about direction, timing, substances, how to build the funeral pyre, etc. Sangye Rinpoche shows me some photos of the Ramadolo charnel ground, which is the cremation area that the Tibetans use. Historically, this was the place where one of the 84 mahasiddhas was cremated, and it was recognized by Chatral Sangye Dorje as a special place. Many great masters have been cremated here, including Dudjom Rinpoche’s son, and Lama Norbu from Dudjom Monastery. There are two gazebo-type buildings that have been built, one is larger, and is usually reserved for big Lamas. Sangye Rinpoche and his Lamas are making arrangements to reserve this one. They will replace the brocades and hang more brocades around the edge. Then there is a low-lying tin building where the Lamas will sit who will perform the puja. We will be doing T’hroma’s jin-sek. Sangye Rinpoche showed how there was a long rectagular-shaped metal grate where they usually lay the corpse horizonatally for burning. But in our case, Lama Dawa will be in a seated position, so there is some discussion on building a round metal support to put him on. Then wood will be stacked all around his seated body.
Later in the afternoon I sit with his KuTung while I replay the recording of Thinley Norbu Rinpoche chanting the Choyin Dzod. There is a strange musty smell permeating the room. I’ve heard stories of people claiming that corpses of holy beings emit a smell like sandalwood. I don’t know if this is a typical corpse smell or not. It is not unpleasant, but it has a thickness to it and I get a strange taste and coating on my tongue, like a mendrub after-taste.
Tonight is the night when they will ‘prepare’ his body. Sangye Rinpoche explains that first they have to ‘request’ him to come out of t’hugdam. He will recite the Leu Deunma and do chod first. He also has to burn incense and play tingsha near his ear as this will bring him out of meditation. “Maybe he could stay in t’hugdam for a long time. We don’t know.” Then he tells a story of one of his father’s (Degyal Rinpoche) students who stayed in t’hudgam for awhile, but because they had some other program they had to bring him out of meditation so they could cremate his body. He talked about how his body was still flexible, you could put his head and limb in any position. His lips and mouth also stayed put. His body never smelled, even though it was summer. After they did the request to come out of t’hugdam, his face became slack and his lower lip hung down. Even if his mouth and lips were placed in a closed position, it just became slack again.
It is interesting to me that they would do this, like it is somehow inconvenient for them to let a practitioner remain in meditation. But he assures me it is due to favorable astrology. Apparently tomorrow and the next day are ‘bad’ days, so it has to be today.
Then Rinpoche tells us that they will prepare his body now, and we should leave. I had already given them a gold coin and they will put this in his mouth, then fill it with butter. Then they will remove his clothing and paint his skin with saffron, making it wet, then apply an herbal mixture of triphala, sangdrub and camphor on his skin like a paste, then they wrap his limbs and body in white gauze. I reminded him again of the Vajra Armor amulet and to make sure it is placed under his left armpit. Then he will be placed in a box.
A few hours later Rinpoche comes out and says it is going well. He says Lama’s body is still flexible, and there is no bad smell. He says his body was very ‘clean.’ He says that Lama’s meditation is very strong – he was worried as “some bodies decay very quickly.”
Nov. 28 – Cremation
Wed. Nov. 29 Relics, relics and more relics!
Sangye Rinpoche said that these relics are very large, and that this is very rare. Usually they are very small. Because the fire was so hot, they got burned through. If the fire wasn’t so hot, you would find these kinds of relics in different colors. It is also very rare to have relics growing on the bone. He says that this will probably happen to many of the bones and that after they are washed and consecrated we should keep some. He also suggested that we keep some of the cremation ashes to give as gifts to students. They can be simply worn in a gau as a blessing, or applied to wounds for healing. I asked about using it make Vajra Armor clay, and he said it was good.
We decide to keep the tin of ashes and go through it thoroughly, then the other two pits of ashes that were collected later we will offer in a river.
Lama Yedol says that since he has gone to the Dharmakaya, there in nothing he needs, but we need to do the puja to benefit others.
